Modern Family: The Only Child Evolution

“Never marry an only child they used to say…” my mum retells this old cliché from her younger days.

“…They always want things their way and they don’t know how to act”. Given she’s 82 years old I usually ignore these comments. But today, I responded.

“What are you saying mum? That noone should marry my daughter because she doesn’t have siblings?”

It’s been a looming stereotype for generations that only children don’t know how to act. They are selfish, spoiled, narcissistic, lonely - weird even. A stereotype so common, that “only child syndrome” was coined in the 19th century to describe these negative personality traits.

I came to realise how prevalent the stereotype was when I shared an article recently on social media. I was surprised by the number of comments and DMs I received, and more surprised by just how many only-child parents I knew. We all shared a common thread of frustration over our children being labelled negatively simply for existing without a sibling.

When I had my daughter at 43 years old, I was blissfully unaware that an only-child stereotype existed. I’ve never judged a person for their colour or race, so a stereotype based on family structure was not even on my radar. But I noticed it start to creep into my life. “Just the one?” people would ask.

“You can’t have just one child, they will be lonely”. “You can’t have one child because who will grieve with them when you die?” “Your life is easy with one child compared to mine” (insert mind blown emoji here); and my personal favourite – “You can’t have one child, because it’s not a complete family”.

I’ve heard a myriad of them over the years, and I’ve politely smiled through them all, meanwhile thinking “why is my family structure any of your business?”

Truth is we are happy with our only and given I had her in my 40’s at a time when medical experts said it wouldn’t happen, I never really gave much thought to having another. But there are so many reasons why people have one child and often they’re not happy stories. Delayed parenting age seems to be the most common but often there are fertility, relationship or even financial issues that prevent a brood of more than one.

Nonetheless, I started to question myself. Maybe it’s true. Am I ignorant to the realities of having one child? Am I being selfish? Is it my duty as a parent to ensure I produce a ‘complete’ family that consists of more than one child? Before I knew it, I found myself in a whirlwind of parent guilt. I started noticing the family structure of others wandering how I got it so wrong.

I contemplated having another child but by this stage I was 47 years old and we were unlikely to conceive on our own. We considered adoption and fostering, but the roadblocks in this arena were too big (another story for another time).

And just when I thought the feelings of failure and the weight of judgement couldn’t get heavier, my 4 year old uttered the words “I want a sister”.

I paused…took a deep breath and decided to have the conversation. What makes a 4 year old say that? Turns out she was playing with 2 of her friends the previous day who both had sisters and so she told them she also had a sister living in Queensland (it’s actually her cousin). They challenged her over it because they knew it wasn’t true. As I dug a little deeper I discovered that what she really wanted was just someone to play with, to which I replied “that’s a friend, you don’t need a sister for that”.

I explained why we didn’t have more children and that our triangle family was complete just the way it was. I told her about the many benefits of being an only child, and I assured her that if she remained a good person in life, she would always have people around who love and care for her. Since then she’s never asked again.

She’s a happy and healthy 6 year old girl – what more could a parent ask for?

Would she take a sibling if it came along? Sure.

But is she pining and lonely? Absolutely not.

Kids are kids. They will always ask for the things they don’t have for FOMO, but they also get on with whatever is dealt to them.

Back to this only-child syndrome myth - is my daughter selfish, spoiled, narcissistic, weird? Does she want to be the boss? Find it difficult to share? Yes to all of these - sometimes. But no more than a child with siblings would be, because these are all instinctive behaviours in the early years.

But she’s also a leader. She’s confident, independent, funny, considerate, intelligent, a master negotiator and the bearer of sunshine to radiate upon anyone who is around her. Our family network is limited but we have a great community of friends who are like family.

In modern times, only-child syndrome has become an outdated myth, but the stereotype still exists in many ways despite the number of only-child families rising across the globe.

It’s not greedy breeding

In Australia, the total number of only children increased by 41% from 2006 to 2016 to 1,526,000 making it the largest family structure in the country. In the UK, this only-child evolution has been colloquially referred to as ‘greedy breeding’ with 47% of British families having just one child; a similar percentage shared by Seattle in the USA as well. In the late 1970’s China introduced a one-child policy to control their population and for the next 3 decades, about half of all the births were ‘little Emperors’, a generation of only children.

Many studies have since been conducted comparing this only-child-gen to those with siblings, successfully negating the entrenched myths of the past. Recent studies are further proving that the only-child syndrome and other similar stereotypes are flawed.

Analysis conducted by Dr Toni Falbo (et al), a Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas, showed that only child characteristics across all developmental outcomes were indistinguishable from first-borns or people from smaller families.

Social psychologist and parenting expert Susan Newman says “…studies have shown that only children are no more lonely than children with siblings…We live in a totally different world now, in which children are socialised early and not isolated”.

Squashing the stereotype

Indeed, the modern family is not what it used to be so there’s no better time than now to change cultural thought and unlearn these stereotypes. They are out-dated, incongruous and disproven views.

Only children are not automatically impaired because they don’t have siblings and our lives as parents are not automatically easier because we have one child.

I’ll leave you with my mum’s response about whether my singleton daughter is marriage pariah? “Of course not”, she says “I’m just telling you that’s what they used to say”.

mina iacono - author, business owner & only-child parent