Surviving the Sandwich Generation
Being part of a sandwich generation sounds like fun, but it often plays out like you’ve eaten one too many sh*# sandwiches.
Nearly 1 in 7 middle-aged adults today - primarily women - find themselves squeezed between the demands of raising their own children, while simultaneously caring for aging parents. For those of us in the thick of it, it’s a perpetual balancing act.
If your life includes hearing incessant requests like ‘can you drive me to...’, ‘the tv won’t turn on again’ or ‘stop trying to control me’, then congratulations; you are officially part of the sandwich generation.
The perils of parental independence
Let’s talk about my mum. I adore her and would do anything for her. She raised me, my five siblings and a small army of grandkids, mostly alone as my father passed away when i was seven. She’s a superwoman who sacrificed everything to build a life for us.
Now at 88, she lives alone and insists she's self-sufficient. Her memory isn't what it used to be, but her opinions are sharper than ever. She critiques everything, from my clothes and cooking to making declarations like ‘dishwashers are for lazy people’ (ps. I'm the only one in the family who uses one).
Every week, I take her to doctor’s appointments, refill her meds, and hear the same stories on repeat about the noisy neighbors and supermarket prices. Any offer to take her to dinner or invite her over to stay are met with disgust. “Over my dead body, I can look after myself,” she reminds me. It's as if I've just suggested trading her freedom for a leash.
This fierce independence connects her to who she’s always been, so she probably sees accepting any help as defeat. But when I think of the qualities I want my daughter to have, the list usually begins with determination, strength and resilience - the same attributes I admire in my mum.
So I continue to show up out of pure, unshakable devotion. But sometimes... it’s alot.
And if I hear the story about her 90-year-old friend’s secret boyfriend one more time, I might just move countries. I know i know, that sounds awful. I feel guilty saying it. Just as i do when I roll my eyes or ignore her call because I can’t bear to hear about the neighbour’s plants again.
And then, there’s the kids
The next layer of this generational “sandwich” are our kids. Wonderful, demanding, and blissfully unaware of the sacrifices we make for them. They’ve taken over the house, disrupted our lives and turned us into their unpaid chauffeurs.
I estimate about half of my waking hours are spent attending parent events, volunteering at the school, planning birthday parties, coordinating sport activities, playdates and social invitations. All the while living the repetitive grind of trying to get them to finish their homework, force-feeding them healthy, balanced meals and getting them off their screens!!
If only they remembered those early years when we were running on no sleep and all love, doing everything just to keep them happy. But as they enter their tweens, they’re already pushing for their independence, while pressing my every last nerve in the process.
Surviving the sandwich
So, how does one of this sandwich generation survive this balancing act? Here are a few battle-tested strategies:
1.Humor is non-negotiable
If you can’t laugh about the daily challenges, the sheer absurdity will get to you. Find humour in the chaos and learn to laugh at the small stuff. Whether it’s mum’s repeated calls about how to fix the TV, your tween/teen’s inability to locate anything in plain sight or your futile efforts to juggle it all.
2. Delegate like a pro
Yes your kids can help their grandmother (or grandfather) with groceries or vacuuming her floor. They can give up a playdate to spend the afternoon with the grandparent/s while being fed on tap. Yes, they’ll protest. No, you don't need to care. They might call it abuse. I call it life skills in action.
3. Redefine boundaries (and know they’ll be crossed)
Creating boundaries with family can feel like setting up a picket fence on a beach - it shifts constantly. You might say, ‘devices off at 8pm’ and your child will sneakily watch netflix under the covers. You might say ‘I don't want to hear about the neighbours anymore, and your mum will still complain about it the next day. Sometimes, you have to let it go.
A reminder: it’s okay not to love every part of it
The sandwich generation life is a constant lesson in patience and resilience and it's ok to admit it's not all fulfilling. Some days are a grind of endless demands and stretching yourself across the generational spectrum. But other days offer glimpses of the legacy you’re shaping, the blessings of family and the privilege of growing old.
As much as I resisted it, I see myself turning into my mother. And here i am – getting a crystal-clear view of my own future: calling my kids... and hoping they’ll answer.
This article was originally published in Darling Magazine